Selfish Reasons
by Dan Q. Bailey
Summary: CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR LONG SHADOWS! Squirrelflight is forced to confront events in her life she would much rather leave alone. One-shot.


**I don't know why I wrote this, only that it has no particular reason. I just know that I believe Squirrelflight murdered Ashfur, and for that I hope she gets her pretty little face kicked in right before she dies.**

**Selfish Reasons**

Squirrelflight yawned and stretched. Looking around, she saw Lionblaze and Hollyleaf sitting together near the entrance to the camp, sharing tongues. With a vague hope that they had finally forgiven her lifting her heart, she padded over. Lionblaze's ears twitched as he heard her approach, and looking up, he saw who it was. Whispering something in Hollyleaf's ear, they both got up and glared at her as they exited the camp.

Squirrelflight sighed and lowered her head, saddened at their response. She knew that she shouldn't have gotten her hopes up so easily, but she couldn't help it. Despite not being their real mother and having lied to them for the majority of their lives, she still loved them as if they _were_ hers. And it hurt. It hurt having to see them hate her, go out of their way every day just to avoid her. To be blantantly rude to her. To feel their loathing glare all around her wherever she went.

Struggling to keep her sadness inside, she turned away with a heavy heart and instead went into the warriors den to sleep. Even in here, she felt as if she couldn't escape the hatred. Every cat in here didn't know anything, and liked her a lot. She knew that. But everytime she thought it, _his_ picture would float into her mind...

She shook her head rapidly from side to side, trying to rid herself of all thoughts of _him._ He wasn't alive anymore, there was nothing he could do to hurt her now. But if anything, those thoughts only made her feel worse. She had tried so hard, so hard to keep it a secret, and then in one mind-numbing moment it was out, and her whole world was turned upside-down. She used to have everything, and though cats would still tell her that she did, she knew that wasn't true. In reality, she had nothing, and she knew it.

Slumping down in her nest, beside the cold, empty one that belonged to her mate Brambleclaw, she felt even more sad and alone in the world than ever. The emptiness kept closing in on her, and before she knew it, it had settled itself in over her mind and brought her sleep.

Stark blackness. That was all that awaited her in the realm of dreams. Dreams that were supposed to be brought by StarClan.

"StarClan. Hmph. Oh, but StarClan did bring you this dream, Squirrelflight."

Startled, Squirrelflight stared around, trying to find the source of the hauntingly familiar voice. "W-who are you?" she challenged wealkly, backing away as the fur on the back of her neck began to rise.

"Surely you know me?" asked the voice tauntingly. "I was so sure you wouldn't have forgotten. Especially not after the events of the last Gathering." Here the voice grew stern and cold, like ice frosting over the world.

Shivering, Squirrelflight crouched down low to the ground and, bowing her head and looking away, meowed, "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Sorry, but I believe you do. In fact, I _know_ you do." The voice was growing angry, and while it was growing increasingly familiar, Firestar's ginger daughter still couldn't remember exactly who it belonged to.

Sounding a little more brave, she cried out again, "Who are you? And how do you know so much?"

"Still don't recognize me, eh? Even after all the clues I've given you." The owner of the voice was still hidden in the shadows, but Squirrelflight could imagine it shaking its' head in quiet humor as it said this. "You always were a stupid one, Squirrelflight. Very well then, I will show myself to you." Silently, a light gray shape stepped out, suddenly becoming illuminated.

Squirrelflight gasped as she finally recognized the cat. The same image that had been haunting her day and night. The reason Lionpaw, Jaypaw, and Hollypaw hated her. The reason she hated herself. "Ashfur," she whispered under her breath, almost to herself.

Stiffly, he raised his head, fixing her in his dark blue gaze. Eyes that she had once thought she'd loved, and had since brought her so much pain. However, she forgot all about the pain brought to her by him once she dared to look up into those eyes. Once their eyes had met, she found herself unable to look away, attracted to look deeper into those deep blue depths by what she saw there staring back at her.

Sizzling anger glaring back at her. The first thing she saw. What she always saw or imagined she saw in the eyes of her Clanmates whenever they looked in her direction. The empty feeling came back full force, and lonliness stabbed at her heart with a sharper thorn than ever before.

She felt like looking away, like running and finding the smallest, most insignificant hole in the forest and crawling under it to live for the rest of her life. But what she saw behind that anger, fueling it, made her feel even worse. Despair. Complete and utter lonliness and despair, even more heart-breaking than her own. An emotion that had bitten a black hole into a good cat and had been chewing away at him ever since, leaving nothing left but a rotton core. And even worse, it was all her fault.

Shocked that she had ever treated another cat in such a way, to make them feel like this, she finally broke down.

Sliding to the floor as if her legs had turned to the water that still sat complacently in the lake, she finally allowed the tears to fall. Squeezing her eyes tight shut, she returned to the darkness and mourned silently and wholeheartedly for all that she had done that had ever caused another cat pain. For all that she had done, in her blind selfishness, that had shattered the lives of her fellows, and as she weeped, only one sound escaped her.

"...Sorry. I- I'm so sorry, Ashfur. I never meant, I only thought--"

Shaking his head sadly, Ashfur turned and walked away back into the darkness, leaving Squirrelflight to grieve on her own. _I guess you got all that you wanted, _he thought, before leaving her behind forever to walk the starry skies with his warrior ancestors.

**Okay, sorry for the rather abrupt-sounding ending, but I really had nothing more to say. Just a quick little one-shot supporting my theory about Squirrelflight killing Ashfur. I really hate Squirrelflight. Anyway, if you noticed, all of the paragraphs began with words that started with the letter 'S'. And yes, that was done on purpose. If you didn't notice, oh well. And for everybody, I hope you enjoyed this.**


End file.
